Communication is often a conflictual topic between couples. There are simple ways to get back into the conversation.
There’s no question about it: How someone communicates also depends on what they’ve learned from their family: Is arguing normal? Is it more likely to remain silent? What am I actually allowed to share without being sanctioned? Can I only make myself heard if I provoke?
Of course, the time factor – i.e. usually: lack of time – is also a problem in many partnerships. Both work, both may still have their own hobbies, meet up with friends, are interested in culture. Where are you supposed to put time for real couple communication?
By real communication, we don’t mean the organizational issues in everyday life, even though they are undoubtedly absolutely important. We mean content-related and personal communication. Thoughts about yourself and about life in the relationship. How am I? What did I experience? What concerns me, what worries me?
To get this deep communication going again, there is a great method called couple talking. It brings partners closer to each other again because it’s like an update on each other’s inner lives.
It is important to follow the rules. And they look like this: You take 30 minutes for each other. And to make sure that this actually happens, you enter the appointments in your calendar, such as a dentist appointment or a meeting with friends.
Important: You should really be sure that you are undisturbed during this time. So no ringing smartphones nearby and no children who may be thirsty or have a cold.
Each partner has exactly 15 minutes. Set your phone’s timer as long as it stays in airplane mode!
What it’s about: You’re talking about YOURSELF and how you’re doing. Only “I” messages, no reproaches to the other, no hidden criticism. The other person should know how you are doing – and not what the other person has “done”.
After 15 minutes – the sentence may still be finished – you switch. It’s the other’s turn.
What is not possible: interrupt the speaker, ask questions, interpret.
If it’s your turn second, you shouldn’t pick up on the other person’s thoughts: stay with yourself or just briefly present something from your point of view. It is not meant to be a ping-pong of justifications. Most couples know that well enough anyway…
Sit down with each other in an open and friendly way when talking to couples. If possible, maintain eye contact (in any case, the one who is listening).
If you can’t think of anything: Just wait until thoughts come to you that you want to share. And if there is silence for a few minutes: not bad either.
After the couple conversation, which some of our colleagues also call a dialogue, what is said is neither discussed, nor evaluated nor analyzed. It can just be left as it is.
And next time, the one who spoke second will be the first to speak.
