In love relationships, experienced attachment trauma often leads to conflict dynamics. How can couples find ways to overcome this challenge ? Liebling + Schatz knows what to do.
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Actually, Anne wants nothing more than a fulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, she has never really been able to let go in her previous partnerships. It’s the same with Florian: even though the two have been together for a while now, the young woman finds it difficult to open up to her partner, to trust him. She is very afraid of losing her independence if she fully engages with her counterpart. All this takes away the lightness of the relationship. Florian also doesn’t really know how to deal with his partner’s behavior, which is why the two of them sit opposite us in the practice. As it turns out in our conversations, the reasons for Anne’s relationship pattern go back to her family of origin – she experienced attachment trauma in her childhood.
What does attachment trauma mean?
Attachment trauma is primarily referred to as (early) childhood attachment experiences in which the child was exposed to toxic stress, such as experiences of loss, neglect or violence. It is also often referred to as “developmental trauma”, which indicates that the child’s healthy development has been disturbed due to difficult relationships with important attachment figures, usually the parents.
Possible causes of attachment trauma in people who…
… grew up in an emotionally cold, chaotic home
… have experienced physical, psychological, sexualised violence
… have experienced rejection and humiliation
… had to take on responsibility for parents or siblings at an early age –
… Had mentally ill parents (depression, addicts, personality disorder)
… have grown up with an undetected developmental disorder (e.g. autism)
Affected children are insecure in dealing with other people and do not have the chance to learn how to regulate their feelings themselves. The effects of such trauma can already be seen in childhood. However, if they remain untreated, they persist into adulthood, albeit in a modified form.
What is the difference between attachment trauma and attachment disorder?
While attachment disorder describes a person’s long-term difficulties in terms of attachments and relationships, attachment trauma indicates specific traumatic experiences in childhood that can cause these difficulties later in life.
How does attachment trauma develop?
Attachment is an essential component for the formation of basic trust: Even newborns are “polarized” to seek protection and comfort from their caregivers. It is one of the basic needs of early childhood.
The early attachment experiences accompany our entire lives – from birth. A child who feels loved and safe will most likely have an easier time later in life – and in their relationships.
If, on the other hand, a child experiences rejection, rejection or even violence in the form of abuse in his attachment system, this can leave deep traces in his soul and have a strong negative impact on the ability to bond. This also applies to seemingly more subtle experiences, because: Children often cannot really assess when something is life-threatening and so it can feel very frightening when mother or father are not there.
These experiences can lead children to suppress their own emotions from now on, have difficulty trusting others or adapt so much because they believe that they will then be loved and not abandoned.
How does attachment trauma manifest itself in the partnership?
People with attachment trauma tend to unconsciously repeat relationship patterns from childhood. This is evident in friendships as well as in the job, but most strongly in the partnership. People with attachment trauma are often based on a trust problem that can manifest itself in different ways: Some therefore keep as much physical and/or emotional distance as possible, others are constantly looking for confirmation that they are loved by their partner.
Especially if a person has concluded in his childhood that he has to be as well-adjusted and well-behaved as possible in order to get at least a little recognition and love from his caregivers, he bends himself to exhaustion in his later relationships – to convince the other person of himself that he is loved. It is particularly dangerous for mental health when it comes to so-called “trauma bonding”.
What is trauma bonding?
As paradoxical as it may sound, those affected by so-called “trauma bonding” can experience familiarity through their own childhood in unfavorable, toxic relationship constructs . This allows rejecting and rejecting partners to convey security.
! People who believe they are trapped in a trauma-related relationship and cannot break away from it should seek professional help to get support in coping with this difficult situation.
Attachment trauma and sexuality
The effects of attachment trauma on sexuality vary from person to person.
- Self-esteem problems: Negative thoughts about one’s own body or one’s own attractiveness can lead to insecurity in a sexual context.
- Fear of closeness: If those affected already have difficulty opening up emotionally to their partner, this can affect their ability to enter into intimate relationships.
- Flashbacks:In particularly acute cases, sexual intimacy can evoke traumatic memories or feelings from childhood.
- Inhibitions: For fear of rejection, those affected suppress their preferences or wishes.
What form of therapy is recommended for attachment trauma?
Relationships in which one or both partners have attachment trauma can be challenging. But: they are by no means doomed to failure. With the right support, especially through couples therapy, couples can find ways to develop healthier attachment patterns.
Based on our many years of practical experience, we at Liebling + Schatz can say: If you deal with your imprinted relationship patterns and want to break away from them, you gain a new form of freedom, because you are by no means at the mercy of your patterns, but can help shape them. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here .
Photo credit: Unsplash/Susan Wilkinson
