Money is one of the most common topics of dispute in relationships. Liebling & Schatz explain how couples create financial fairness and resolve conflicts constructively.
Content:
- Why money is so emotional
- Equal is not always fair
- Four money traps that many couples fall into
- When it’s actually about something else
- What can help couples
- Fairness is more important than perfection
“I earn less, but I take care of the children, organize our everyday life and keep everything together here. Nevertheless, sometimes I have the feeling that my work doesn’t count at all.” When Jasmin utters this sentence in couples counselling, it becomes quiet. Her husband Thomas looks at her in surprise. “But we divide everything fairly,” he replies. After all, he pays the larger part of the rent and bears the cost of the car.
What at first sounds like a dispute about money quickly turns out to be something else. It’s about appreciation, equality and the question of what each individual does for the relationship.
Jasmin and Thomas are not alone with this topic. Money is one of the most common conflict topics in partnerships. And it’s rarely just about numbers in the account.
Why money is so emotional
Those who talk about money often also talk about security, freedom, responsibility and recognition. Every person brings their own experiences and beliefs to a relationship. Some have grown up with the principle of being thrifty, others have learned that money is there to enjoy life.
Different ideas are therefore completely normal. It only becomes problematic when expectations remain unspoken or one of the partners feels permanently disadvantaged.
Equal is not always fair
Many couples follow a strict 50:50 split. Both pay half of the joint expenses. What seems fair at first glance, however, can quickly lead to tensions.
Because equality does not automatically mean justice.
If one partner earns significantly more or cuts back on work because of the children, sharing half of the costs with different incomes can be perceived as unfair. In addition, unpaid services such as childcare, household organization or caring for relatives often remain invisible – even though they are indispensable for life together.
Financial fairness therefore does not mean that both contribute exactly the same amount. Rather, it is a matter of finding a solution that is experienced by both as fair.
Four money traps that many couples fall into
Money is not talked about
For fear of arguments, many couples avoid the topic. But unspoken expectations do not disappear. They grow – and often discharge elsewhere.
Invisible achievements are overlooked
Anyone who takes care of children, the household or relatives makes an important contribution. If there is a lack of recognition for care work, frustration quickly arises.
One person bears all the responsibility
If only one partner takes care of accounts, insurance, and finances, an imbalance can arise. Transparency creates trust.
Money becomes a power factor
Where financial dependencies arise, the feeling of being on an equal footing often suffers. However, a partnership needs the experience of pulling together.
When it's actually about something else
In couples counseling, it has been shown again and again that deeper questions are often hidden behind arguments about money.
- Do I feel seen and valued?
- Will my achievements be recognised?
- Can we rely on each other?
- Are we really a team?
"It is not uncommon for it to be less about euro amounts than about the need for fairness and solidarity."
What can help couples
There is no one-size-fits-all formula for shared finances. Some couples prefer separate accounts, others prefer a joint account, or a combination of both. It is not the model that is decisive, but that both partners feel comfortable with it.
Regular discussions about questions such as:
- What does money mean to me?
- What do I feel is fair?
- What common goals do we have?
- How do we deal with different incomes?
- What wishes and worries do we have?
Conclusion: Fairness is more important than perfection
Financial fairness in relationships does not mean that everything has to be divided exactly equally. Rather, it is about finding solutions together that fit the individual life circumstances and are perceived as fair by both partners.
When money becomes a controversial topic again and again
Different ideas about money are quite normal in a relationship. However, if discussions about joint finances become increasingly burdensome or if there is a feeling that important issues are always going in circles, it can be helpful to take a closer look together.
In couples counseling, it has been shown again and again that behind conflicts over money there are often questions of appreciation, equality and mutual understanding. Couples do not have to deal with these issues alone.
If you recognize yourself in some of the situations described and would like more clarity, understanding and a constructive approach to financial issues, we will be happy to accompany you. Get in touch with us – together we can create new future perspectives and individual solutions that fit your relationship.
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here .
Note: For reasons of confidentiality, names and individual details have been anonymized or changed.
Photo credit: Unsplash/Priscilla du Preez
