Most couples want equality. And yet certain tasks end up with the same person over and over again. What unconscious role models can be behind it and how do they manifest themselves in everyday relationships? Liebling & Schatz clarifies!
Content:
- What does patriarchy mean in a relationship?
- 6 signs of (un)conscious role models
- Test: A little self-check for couples
- Recognizing and changing patriarchal structures
Patriarchal structures – that sounds like a major social issue at first. After politics, history and role models. But in fact, they can also show themselves quite inconspicuously in our everyday life as a couple.
Who takes care of the children? Who organizes the doctor’s appointments? Who knows when the next daycare festival will take place? Who is planning a family holiday – and who needs to think about booking accommodation at all?
And in the end, who is actually responsible for ensuring that everything runs smoothly?
Many couples today want an equal relationship. Both work, share childcare and make important decisions together. And yet traditional role models can creep into everyday life – often quite unconsciously.
One thing in advance: In this article, we deliberately write about women and men in some places when it comes to traditional gender roles that have grown historically and continue to have an impact today. Of course, this does not mean that patriarchal structures only occur in heterosexual relationships. Unequal power relations or entrenched role models can also become apparent in other relationship constellations.
Because patriarchal structures are not always loud and obvious. Sometimes they are stuck in small habits and seemingly normal everyday situations.
What does patriarchy mean in a relationship?
To put it simply, patriarchy describes a social order in which men historically had more power, influence and decision-making options than women. Even though many things have changed in society, certain role models still have an effect today.
In everyday life as a couple, this does not automatically mean that a man consciously wants to be “in charge”. Patriarchal structures can also become visible where both partners fundamentally want equality.
That’s why it’s worth taking a closer look:
Not only: Who does what?
But also: Who is responsible? Who decides? And what expectations are placed on women and men as a matter of course?
6 signs of (un)conscious role models
1. She organizes – he "helps"
A typical example is the distribution of family work. Maybe one person takes the children to daycare in the morning and does the shopping. At the same time, it is the other person who keeps track of everything: they know when the next U-examination is due, what clothes the children need, when the gift for the children’s birthday party has to be bought and that the daycare center closes earlier on Friday.
From the outside, both share the tasks. But the mental responsibility may still lie mainly with one person.
This is called mental load – i.e. the invisible mental work behind many tasks.
An indication of patriarchal structures can therefore be when a person has the feeling that he or she is “helping” in everyday family life instead of sharing responsibility.
Because:
- Joint children are not a task of one person.
- A joint household is not women’s work
- Family organization is not a personal assistance.
So the crucial question is:
Who needs to remember that something has to be done?
2. He decides – she adapts
Patriarchal role models can also be reflected in how decisions are made in a relationship.
Perhaps one person decides more often about major purchases, financial issues or where they live. Or it is taken for granted that women are more oriented towards the family when making career decisions, while the man’s career is considered a given.
Small everyday situations can also be interesting:
- Whose appointments have priority?
- Who can spontaneously do something with friends?
- Who has to organize first, who takes care of the children?
- Whose career opportunities are more likely to be considered?
- Who decides what the common leisure time looks like?
Equality does not mean that everything must always be shared exactly 50:50. Rather, it is a matter of both needs, desires and life plans have the same value.
3. She takes care of the relationship – he waits
Who is talking about the fact that things are not going well right now?
Who initiates conversations about the relationship? Who notices when the atmosphere is tense? Who tries to solve conflicts and re-establish closeness?
In many relationships, women take on a large part of this emotional work. They observe the mood, address problems and try to keep the relationship together.
This can also be related to traditional role models: Women are considered emotionally responsible for the relationship, while men tend to take on the role of those who avoid conflicts or withdraw.
But a partnership is teamwork. Both are allowed to show emotions. Both are allowed to address conflicts. And both bear responsibility for how coexistence develops.
4. "Typical woman" and "typical man"
Who cooks? Who cleans? Who takes care of the laundry?
Who organizes the children’s clothing? Who repairs things, takes care of the car or takes on manual tasks?
Of course, such a division is not automatically problematic. If one person likes to cook and the other likes to repair, this can work wonderfully.
It gets exciting when tasks are not distributed on the basis of skills or personal preferences, but because they are considered “typically female” or “typically male”.
Then it’s worth asking:
Would we distribute these tasks in the same way today if we forgot all the role models from the outside?
Maybe the woman is actually the better organizer. Maybe the man loves cooking. That’s perfectly fine.
It is crucial that the distribution is freely chosen – and does not arise from an unconscious expectation.
5. The man's career automatically has priority
Traditional role models can become particularly clear when a couple has children.
How does patriarchy then manifest itself in everyday life? The woman reduces her working hours or stays at home longer. The man continues to work full-time. Not necessarily because both of them made this decision consciously and equally, but because it somehow “turns out that way”.
Later, this pattern can continue: the woman takes on more care work and adapts her career plans to the needs of the family. The professional development of the man, on the other hand, is less questioned.
Then the question arises:
Whose time and work are actually considered more valuable?
Because even unpaid care work is work. And: a mother’s career aspirations are also important.
6. Equality is confused with "help"
“I’ll help you with the household.”
This sentence has probably been uttered in many relationships before. But if one person “helps”, this means linguistically that the task actually lies with the other person.
An equal partnership is therefore not just about handing over tasks. It’s about sharing responsibility.
Distributing mental load fairly means, for example:
- See for yourself what needs to be done
- Take on tasks independently
- not waiting for the other person to give instructions
- Thinking about the entire organization of a task
- Taking responsibility for common areas
After all, no one wants to be the person in their own home all the time who has to keep an eye on and organize everything.
Test: A little self-check for couples
Recognizing relationship patterns: How equal is your everyday life really?
Ask yourself honestly in a quiet moment:
☐ Who carries the greater part of the mental load?
☐ Who organizes doctor’s appointments, daycare and school?
☐ Who plans birthdays and family celebrations?
☐ Who takes on care work more often?
☐ Who has more real free time?
☐ Who can take advantage of career opportunities more spontaneously?
☐ Whose needs are taken into account more often when making decisions?
☐ Who addresses conflicts and takes care of the relationship?
☐ Who takes responsibility without the other having to remind them?
☐ Did we consciously choose our roles – or did we just slip into them?
Important: There is no “right” or “wrong” here. The check is not intended to distribute points or find a culprit. Rather, it can help to make visible where patterns may have crept in in everyday life.
Recognizing and changing patriarchal structures
Many role models are deeply rooted in our society. We learn them from an early age and sometimes adopt them without consciously questioning them. But how can you break such relationship patterns?
Here couples can ask themselves the question:
“What patterns have we adopted without consciously choosing them?”
It is helpful not to talk exclusively about individual tasks, but about the entire responsibility behind them.
Not only: “Who books the family vacation?”
But: “Who decides where we go, looks for accommodation, plans the journey and thinks of everything the children need?”
One’s own ideas of “typically female” and “typically male” can also be questioned.
An equal partnership does not mean that both always do exactly half of everything. It means that both can take responsibility, take each other’s needs seriously and make decisions together.
Sometimes this change of perspective is very easy – and sometimes the roles have been stuck for a long time and lead to conflicts again and again.
Then it can be helpful to get support from outside.
Would you like to take a new look at your relationship?
If you notice that you always end up at the same points, that the distribution of tasks burdens you or that you want a partnership at eye level, you don’t have to go this way alone.
In couples counseling , we are happy to look together with you: What patterns shape your relationship? Where do conflicts arise again and again? Which needs may be neglected? And how can you shape your partnership in such a way that both feel seen, heard and taken seriously?
Get in touch with us – together we can create new future perspectives and individual solutions that fit your relationship.
Photo credit: Unsplash/Angelo Moleele
