Green and red flags can be signposts as to whether you are good for each other in a relationship or not. But are such generalized attributions really always helpful?
Content:
- What are red flags in men and women?
- Examples of Red Flags
- What are green flags in men and women?
- Examples of Green Flags
- Beige flags when dating
- That’s why jumping to conclusions is not always advisable
- Result
He constantly talks about the ex, she answers only sporadically: When dating today, these are all alarming characteristics, so-called red flags. Then there are the Green Flags: They are supposed to indicate that you can have a healthy relationship with a person. Yes, a certain vigilance and awareness when dating is beneficial. The problem with this is that the colorful flags as generalized attributions have not only become a kind of trend phenomenon, but often only blame the other person for what is going well or badly – without questioning one’s own behavior. In this article, you will learn more about the sense and nonsense of the flag system. And why the Beige Flag deserves a chance.
What are red flags in men and women?
So-called red flags are warning signs in interpersonal relationships and especially in dating. It is about behaviors or characteristics of the other person that pose a possible risk to the relationship . The term red flag is also often used to identify signs of toxic relationships . In other words, a partnership that at least one of the two partners finds very stressful and in which the needs of one person are much more important than those of the other.
Examples of red flags:
- Not sticking to agreements
- No empathy
- Unfair behavior
- Jealousy and lack of trust
- Any form of abuse and violence (emotional, physical, sexual)
- Cancel at the last minute
- Manipulation (e.g. gaslighting)
- Trying to isolate your partner from your friends or family
- Doesn’t respect boundaries
- Excessive control
- Inability to resolve conflicts together
What are green flags in men and women?
Green flags are signs that, when getting to know a new person, indicate whether it can become a good and healthy relationship. They are the opposite of red flags, which are considered relationship warning signals.
Examples of green flags:
- The feeling of being able to be yourself
- Boundaries are respected
- Everyone has room for their own goals and interests
- Feeling physically and emotionally connected
- Balance (you gain energy from spending time together and apart)
- Matching words and deeds
- Taking responsibility for one’s own actions
- Understanding of other points of view
- The wishes and needs of the other person are respected
- Open communication about goals, values and needs
- Respect each other
Beige flags when dating
Beige flags are, as the color suggests, more inconspicuous than green or red flags. But it is widespread, especially in online dating. This is about information from people on dating portals that is rather meaningless, so that you hardly learn anything about the person.
Possible beige flags can be, for example, whether you like coriander or a mainstream series. Monotonous answers, pictures or hobbies, which can also be found on many other profiles, also indicate this. On the other hand, many beige flags are simply strange habits that you have to get used to, but that don’t necessarily bother you in the long run – all quite subjective. Because: the beige flag of one person is the green or red flag of another.
So beige flags stand out, but they don’t have to ruin a meeting or the relationship. And not to forget: often certain idiosyncrasies make a person lovable or even more interesting.
That's why jumping to conclusions is not always advisable
One thing in advance: It is good that we are becoming increasingly aware of what behavior we can accept from a partner and what we cannot. There are red flags that are quite universal, where the alarm bells should clearly ring for those affected and which are absolutely out of the question. These include violent behavior, excessive jealousy or control, and anything that suggests abuse and manipulation.
However, nothing in life is black and white. While in a monogamous relationship it would most likely be a red flag if one of the two partners suddenly signs up for a dating app, this can be quite normal in a polyamorous relationship.
And: Ask yourself honestly whether you may just feel triggered by your (dating) partner, whether he or she is “holding up a mirror” to you for a topic (e.g. from the past) that you can now take a loving look at yourself.
Result
We at Liebling + Schatz recommend: Always look at the overall construct during the getting-to-know-you phase and address it with your counterpart if you notice something negative. It also makes sense to reflect on one’s own behavior and feelings in this process again and again instead of immediately running away. No person is perfect and neither are relationships – in many cases, it is worthwhile for both to take a closer look at where the shoe really pinches.
Are you already in a relationship and there is a need to talk about behaviors that burden your partnership? Are you single and notice that you keep dating people who are not good for you?
In our practice, we deal with it almost every day. If you would like our support or moderation on your individual topic, please contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here .
Photo credit: Unsplash/Chi Nguyen
