What exactly happens to a couple who meet, fall in love and enter into a partnership?
When you think back to your own relationship, or even the relationships you had in the past or in your youth, you can definitely remember one thing: the butterflies in your stomach. Maybe it wasn’t always the same strength, but it was THE sign that told you: I want HER or HIM!
Logically, this first phase is called the infatuation phase. What’s going on? In our body there is a cocktail of endorphins, hormones and other substances that resembles that of an addict. We are obsessed with the desire to see, feel, sense, merge with that person. In this phase, the boundaries to the individual also dissolve. You become one, you feel one. At this stage, the couple is considered insane. The thoughts revolve around nothing but the loved one. Sometimes such an infatuation is over quickly. But it can last up to a year at this intensity. The infatuation phase doesn’t actually last longer or much longer. The body would hardly be able to endure this state of emergency any longer.
Slowly, the feeling of eternal intoxication ebbs away. He and she are now aware of the outside world again. They distance themselves a little bit from each other, so that there is room to perceive themselves as individuals again. And moving this little bit away now also makes it possible to look at the other person from the outside: Who is this actually after I consume myself? What does he/she do? What are his/her friends like? What is his family like? What is he interested in? So now the two want to get to know their partner. So you have entered the getting-to-know-you/fascination phase . He and she are now introducing their new partner to the circle of friends, perhaps there will be a first meeting with their own family. Most of the time, other traditions, ways of life and views of the partner’s family and his circle of friends are then perceived as fascinating and enriching. Both find contrasts exciting and not as an obstacle. In this phase, it is important that both recognize similarities and experience similarities. If both parties feel that this is too low or not sustainable, it can lead to separation.
But with getting to know each other, the small distance that has arisen between them and the clear view, each of them now discovers the quirks of the other. And the couple enters a new phase: re-education! What was previously so insanely great and fascinating about the other, his circle of friends and his family, is now critically questioned. One’s own view of the world and one’s own ideas come to the fore again. It is already being remarked, criticized, and one’s own ideas are once again seen as the guideline. Now the relationship is at its most fragile. Many relationships fail here, because each of them wants to assert themselves. No one can really understand how they could fall in love with this person – or at least fall in love so much. If his/her family is extremely different, this is now perceived as “abnormal”. Everything, each of them feels, could be so beautiful and perfect, if only the other would change. It is the first crisis that both are now experiencing. It is at this stage that most couples break up. It is often assumed that love is over here. However, this is not true – quite the opposite. Getting to know the true self of your partner is the beginning of the deepening of love. Couples who survive this phase usually emerge stronger and move on to the next phase:
Consolidation. Here, the partners (temporarily) accept each other as they are. Both feel that their relationship is stronger, deeper and more resilient. How long this phase lasts varies, because the phases are repeatedly passed through by the couples. It can also happen that a couple feels so comfortable in consolidation that they completely forget to rub shoulders, experience themselves differently, question themselves – and grow apart, let the relationship work slide and lose interest in the other.
Which of the phases are you in right now? How do you make this out?
Photo: Unsplash/Kristina Litvjak
