It is a shocking moment when people who once loved each other dearly suddenly meet each other with contempt, bitterness or even hatred. What makes partners no longer just ignore or criticize each other, but actively hate each other? The development of hate out of love is a phenomenon that many couples experience – and which is receiving increasing attention in psychological research.
What is hate? Psychological classification and demarcation from anger
Hatred is one of the strongest and at the same time most destructive feelings that people can feel. Psychologically, it is a persistent, intense aversion that comes with a desire to harm the hated person, or at least to banish them from one’s life. Hatred is not a spontaneous affect, but a chronic condition that develops over a long period of time and can be deeply rooted in the personality and relationship history.
In contrast, anger is usually a short-term, situational emotion. It arises as a reaction to an action that is perceived as unjust, a transgression of boundaries or frustration. Anger can be loud, violent and impulsive, but it usually subsides as soon as the situation is clarified or the need behind the anger is recognized and named.
The difference is also emphasized in the psychological literature: While anger is often a signal for necessary change, hatred stands for a state of resignation and withdrawal. Psychoanalyst Verena Kast describes hatred as “a form of energy aimed at destroying the object or at least banishing it from one’s own life”, while anger is “an energy aimed at change”.
Neuroscience also provides exciting insights: In the study by Semir Zeki and John Paul Romaya (2008), functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) was used to show that when you see a hated person, similar brain areas are activated as when you see a loved one – especially the putamen and the insula. Zeki comments, “The pattern of activation suggests that while love and hate are opposites, they are built on a common neural basis.” However, while areas for logical thinking and judgment are less active in love, they remain active in hate. This could explain why hatred is often accompanied by strategic behavior, such as revenge plans.
How does hate arise from love? The creeping process
The change from love to hate is rarely sudden. Rather, it is a gradual process in which unresolved conflicts, grievances and disappointments accumulate over years. In the initial phase of a relationship, the idealization of the partner is usually in the foreground. The positive qualities are highlighted, weaknesses are hidden. Over time, however, as the first infatuation subsides, differences, conflicts and unfulfilled needs become more and more apparent.
In her research, psychologist Helen Fisher describes that love relationships are based on three neurobiological systems: lust, attraction and attachment. If these systems are disrupted by repeated disappointments, breaches of trust or emotional neglect, the emotional dynamic can turn negative.
A qualitative study by Dr. Guido F. Gebauer and Gleichklang.de (2022) investigated how hatred arises in couple relationships. The evaluation of numerous testimonials showed that hatred often arises as a result of deep injuries, abuse of trust and repeated humiliation. One participant describes: “I gave him everything, but when I realized that I was only being used, I couldn’t love him anymore – there was only hate.” Many sufferers report that the hatred served as a protective mechanism for them to distance themselves emotionally from their partner and protect themselves from further injury.
The study identified several key triggers for the change from love to hate:
- Repeated breach of trust: Infidelity, lies or the feeling of having been betrayed by your partner are particularly common triggers.
- Emotional neglect: The feeling of not being seen, not appreciated, or not respected can lead to deep hurt.
- Power and control behavior: Manipulation, control or emotional blackmail lead to feelings of powerlessness that can turn into hatred.
- Unmet needs: When central needs for closeness, recognition or autonomy remain permanently unfulfilled, frustration can turn into hatred.
The results of the study also show that hatred often arises when the hope for change and reconciliation has been lost for good. The emotional closeness that once provided security becomes a source of pain and powerlessness. Hate then becomes the last resort to distance oneself and protect one’s own integrity.
Hate as a signal and catalyst for change
As destructive as hatred can be, it is not exclusively negative. The research by Gebauer and colleagues suggests that hatred can also fulfill an important function: It helps to break away from toxic relationships and protect oneself. “Hate is a signal for deep-seated problems in the relationship, but it can also act as a catalyst for change and growth if we are willing to deal with it,” says Gebauer.
In the study, almost half of the participants reported that they gained personal development and self-knowledge by dealing with their hatred. One participant describes: “The hatred helped me to find myself – I learned what I really want in life.”
John Gottman’s couple research also shows that destructive patterns such as contempt, withdrawal and hatred massively increase the likelihood of separation. At the same time, Gottman emphasizes that couples who learn to openly communicate and regulate negative feelings such as anger and disappointment are significantly more resilient and less likely to fall into destructive patterns such as hatred.
Can hatred be changed? Ways out of the negative spiral
The central question for many couples is: Can hatred disappear again? Psychological research gives a cautiously optimistic answer. Hatred is not an inevitable fate, but a dynamic process that can be changed through conscious confrontation and therapeutic support.
Therapeutic approaches such as emotion-focused couples therapy or non-violent communication aim to make the hurts, needs and disappointments behind hatred visible and to bring them into a constructive dialogue. Research shows that couples who are willing to deal honestly with their feelings, to name old grievances and to take responsibility for their own experiences can find their way out of the negative spiral.
The study by Gebauer et al. shows that conscious reflection on one’s own feelings and the willingness to engage in a process of change are crucial: “Those who have the courage to deal with their hatred and understand it as an expression of deep hurt can learn from it and develop further.”
The path back to love is difficult, but not impossible
Hate in relationships is a complex, multi-layered feeling that grows out of disappointed love, breach of trust, and unmet needs. Neuroscientific and psychological studies show that hate and love are closely intertwined and even activate similar brain regions. The decisive difference lies in the duration, purposefulness and the effects on behavior. While anger can be a signal for change, hatred often stands for resignation – but also for the chance for self-protection and development if it is taken seriously and processed as a signal.
For couples who find themselves in a spiral of hatred and rejection, the path back to love is difficult, but not impossible. The decisive factor is the willingness to face one’s own feelings, to work on old injuries and to find new ways of communicating and shaping relationships together. Research shows that where hate is understood as a signal for change, it can – as paradoxical as it sounds – be the first step towards personal growth and a new, more mature form of relationship.
We will be happy to accompany you on this path – simply request a series of appointments.
Photo credit: Unsplash/Brett Jordan
