What couples often want so much is to have time for each other and closeness. Now we have that in abundance in these special Corona times. Mate antanes in quarantine.
What does this involuntary and long-lasting closeness do to us as a couple? What are the dangers of this mating relationship, i.e. the isolation of the couples, and what opportunities can it offer? What conflicts and marital problems come to light? And what strategies can be used to better survive the remaining mating period?
Problems in the relationship become more
evidentThis situation is like a magnifying glass under which the problems of our being a couple become abundantly visible. If we like to be together as a couple, if we do a lot together and we don’t always need friends around us, then it won’t be quite so difficult for us to endure the closeness at first. However, if there is a lot of potential for complaining, if we argue frequently or if we feel misunderstood, then this domestic isolation can quickly escalate.
It’s your partner’s fault
In addition to the feeling of cabin fever, of being locked up, there can be other stress: fear for the job, health, financial hardships. Under normal circumstances, they already cause sleepless nights, but now their nerves are on edge. The problem with this is that we can’t avoid each other and can’t – or much less – reduce stress through physical exercise. The reason for the bad mood or anger that arises is blamed on the next best thing, and that is our partner. This is where the couple dynamic, which has already established itself in a couple, comes into play even more strongly. But how can we interrupt them?
8 tips on how to survive mating antanism:
- Communicate differently: Observe how you communicate with your partner. Am I more of a commentator, a complainer, a silent one, a blab-up or a non-verbal aggro type? Ask your partner how they feel about it – and think about how you can do it a little differently in the future.
- Use the “5 to 1” formula: John Gottman, the American psychologist, worked out the “5 to 1” formula. This means that you should be polite, friendly, cordial, grateful to each other five times more often than criticizing. Only then did we process the criticism.
- Closeness is created by distance. This sentence by the American couples therapist Ester Perel makes it clear that everyone needs time for themselves from time to time in order to want to spend time with their partner again – or to find him attractive. Especially if you are both condemned to working from home. So consciously avoid yourself as well. Work in different rooms, go out on your own or go jogging or shopping.
- Structure provides support: To ensure that your situation doesn’t get out of hand, create structure for yourself. Arrange a time to get up (together or individually), discuss when you will eat and who will cook, take lunch breaks, and set aside time for a bit of a workout or a walk.
- Exercise relieves stress: It has been scientifically proven that exercise reduces the stress hormone cortisol. So let’s overcome our weaker self and move intensively! There are plenty of workout apps, including jogging on the spot or turning on loud music and dancing – the main thing is that you can manage 15 minutes a day.
- What is going well, what should change? Take stock of what is going well and what should change in order to get through the situation well, preferably on large pieces of paper. Compare both of your cards and talk about them. This creates transparency, encourages the good things and creates sensitivity to the critical points.
- Invite friends – virtually: Time together can also be boring. The friends are not actually allowed to come to dinner, but via video chat. Most of them don’t have anything else planned in the time and this time they might even be able to be there spontaneously. If you get into it and chat on a big screen, you’ll be amazed at how intense the conversations can be.
- Postal and e-mail secrecy still applies now. Talking to a trusted person and talking about things that are not meant for our partner’s ears is perfectly fine. Even if one of us is a little more attached to our mobile phones, that’s no reason to spy or even take a look. If you have a strange feeling, address the topic directly.
Before escalation, help by phone
Whether it is appropriate to discuss all conflicts in the time of forced closeness depends on how well a couple is in contact with each other. You have to be able to endure and endure listening to something from your partner, actually dealing with the conflict. That’s why everyone should rather weigh up for themselves what both can cope with now. It can be relaxing for the relationship if everyone asks themselves what they need for themselves, what they would do now if they lived alone. If the other person gives him this freedom, it equalizes the tense situation. Perhaps the partner can gain something from this supposedly new facet. If there is no other way, things have to be put on the table. If things get too dicey, you can also get support during this time. Many therapists now offer counseling via phone, Skype, or Zoom. This takes the pressure off and gives us new strategies for dealing with each other.
New facets enliven the relationship
Even couples whose relationship is on a firm foundation will experience new facets of their partner in the mating relationship. We will be happy about some of them. And yet there will be traits that irritate us. This brings an important distancing to the relationship. Irritation makes you attentive, alert and curious. The tension that arises from this may be converted into new energy. If this energy creates new intimacy and sexuality, then the couple antane has definitely brought something.
With this in mind, let’s all stay alert, curious – and above all, healthy.