Everyone has probably struggled with jealousy at some point. We feel it towards siblings in childhood, later in our circle of friends or, of course, in love relationships – and too much of it can even destroy the relationship. But when is jealousy still normal and when does it harm the partnership? We at Liebling + Schatz have put a few thoughts into this.
Content:
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- Why are we jealous?
- Men and women have different levels of jealousy
- How much jealousy in relationships is normal?
- When does the behavior become unhealthy?
- What are the dangers of jealousy for the person concerned?
- Strategies to fight your own jealousy
- What can be done by those who are distrusted?
- What to do if there is a concrete reason for jealousy?
Introduction:
If your loved one talks about a person more and more often, likes the photo of your ex-flame on Instagram or regularly comes home late from work, fears of loss or self-doubt can come up. A certain amount of jealousy is normal and an expression of interest in the partner. But beyond that, this nagging feeling can also take on compulsive or even delusional proportions. This is a topic on which we are always advising our clients in practice and which we would like to share with you in this article.
Why are we jealous?
Jealousy is often based on negative experiences that have been made interpersonally. For example, infidelity in previous relationships or little attention and love in the parental home.
But no matter which of these reasons might apply, they are all ultimately based on one core: self-doubt. Because if you don’t rate yourself so highly, the fear of losing your partner is much higher. This can lead to jealous staring at other people: Are they perhaps more attractive and successful than me, or even a potential threat to the relationship?
If you like yourself and classify yourself as lovable, you don’t have to make such comparisons with others and don’t let yourself be unsettled so easily.
Men and women have different levels of jealousy
According to David M. Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas, this is evolutionary: While men are more likely to be offended by the physical act, women are more likely to be affected by the fear of emotional infidelity. An interesting addition to this was the study by researchers David A. Frederick and Melissa R. Fales from Chapman University in California, which shows that this phenomenon only applies to heterosexual people. The two published their results in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior”.
Evolutionary biologists generally assume that jealousy is in our genes. Since time immemorial, men have wanted to ensure that their genetic material is passed on. Women or mothers, on the other hand, want their child to receive the necessary care from the father.
How much jealousy in relationships is normal?
Short-term feelings of jealousy do not harm a relationship and are quite normal. After all, it also shows that one of the partners is not indifferent.
There is nothing wrong with signaling to the other person that you want to participate in his or her life and that you are allowed to ask appropriate questions. In addition, jealousy can also make you alert and indicate that something is not going quite right: Maybe a partner needs more attention and mindfulness or it’s time to commit a little more to the relationship?
When does jealous behavior become unhealthy?
Jealousy becomes problematic and unhealthy when it becomes uncontrollable and severely impairs thinking, feeling and acting.
It is considered pathological when one or both partners in the relationship suffer massively from the possessive behavior – even if there is no real reason for the jealousy. Pathologically jealous behavior manifests itself, for example, by:
- You are constantly thinking about what your partner is doing without you.
- You have irrational ideas about how your partner might be cheating on you.
- Self-doubt and fear of loss are putting a strain on your relationship.
- You control your partner on all possible (social media) channels.
Constant and persistent distrust of one’s partner leads to the loss of love in many cases. After all, constant control, accusations and insinuations drive the partner into a corner – and in the worst case, also into flight.
What are the dangers of jealousy for the person concerned?
1. Self-abandonment
If your thoughts are constantly revolving around the possible infidelity of your significant other, even though they do not give you any reason to do so, these could be signs of compulsive jealousy. If you suffer from it, the negative thoughts impose themselves almost permanently. This sometimes goes so far that you put social contacts or even your job on the back burner in order to be able to monitor every step of the other person as much as possible.
2. Everything is tried so as not to lose the partner
Fear of loss can take on extreme traits. For example, if you prohibit your partner from meeting their friends, going to sports, or even from being in places where they could potentially meet attractive people. This behavior is a desperate attempt to fully bind someone to you, thereby depriving them of even more of their freedoms.
3. The partner becomes the center of life
Another danger is that your strong jealousy will make you obsessed with your partner’s love. In this case, the man or woman by your side becomes the center of your life, and you are constantly striving for love and recognition. Moreover, you completely forget about your own well-being.
4. Too much jealousy can destroy love
If your jealousy manifests itself in a similar way, it will become so severe that you will jeopardize your relationship. After all, the more you limit your partner through the jealous behavior, the harder you make it for them to feel comfortable in the relationship with you.
Fighting Jealousy: Strategies to Overcome Your Own Jealousy
Strengthen self-esteem
Only those who are convinced that they are lovable can accept their partner’s expressions of love. Focus on your strengths and talents and what you have already mastered in your life. Also, there are certainly things that are going well and positively in the relationship – focus on that.
Dealing openly with jealousy:
Jealousy often feels like weakness. Therefore, we often find it difficult to communicate them to our partner and we often hide them behind accusations or we withdraw. If we open up to it and talk about how we feel and where the fears might come from, the sooner our partner can understand what is wrong with us. As a rule, it creates closeness and connection with our partner when we show ourselves authentically, openly and vulnerable.
Giving each other space
Those who strengthen their autonomy, for example by meeting friends themselves or cultivating their own hobby, are also less bothered if their partner wants to spend time with friends or alone.
Get help
Couples therapy or couples counseling is helpful if both partners are still interested in the relationship. In a protected space, different perspectives and experiences of the partners concerned can be discussed. If it is already too late for this and the relationship can no longer be mended, we recommend working through the issue in individual therapy before entering into the next relationship.
What can be done by those who are distrusted?
It is understandable that the partner of the jealous person – if the jealousy is unfounded – reacts annoyed after a short time and may try to evade the partner’s questions or keep secrets in order to no longer have to justify himself.
The problem with this approach, however, is that secrecy only causes the jealous partner to develop even more anxiety, the jealousy intensifies, and even more extreme steps are taken to alleviate the jealousy – creating a vicious cycle.
Better: It can be helpful to listen to your partner’s fears instead of rejecting their jealousy and always reassuring them that you love them and have chosen to live with them.
Even though controlling questions of the jealous person can be very exhausting, you should not “spare” him by concealing or even avoiding certain things or triggering situations. Important: But also set boundaries, because it is of course not okay if your partner checks emails, messages or calls, for example, or makes you mad about an evening with friends.
Last but not least, for your own well-being, you should realize that it is your partner’s emotional world and that you can only be by his side in a loving and supportive way – but should not let it become your problem.
What can be done if there is a concrete reason for jealousy?
Jealousy can be a warning sign that something is wrong in the love relationship. Open and constructive communication is also important here.
For example, both partners should ask themselves: Have we paid enough attention to each other lately?
Arranging dates, giving each other more time together again and integrating more sexuality into everyday life – all this can help to strengthen the love relationship between two people again.
Conclusion: Jealousy can endanger the relationship and love, but with the right strategies it can also be overcome and pacified.
A strong self-image, an open approach to jealousy and professional help in therapy or psychological counseling are helpful strategies that can help to pacify the jealousy in the long term and not only to feel happy and loved again in the relationship, but also to emerge stronger from such a “crisis”.
We at Liebling + Schatz are happy to accompany you in emotionally processing jealousy and its consequences for your relationship and finding a new way of dealing with it. In our years of practical work, we have to deal with this again and again. If you would like our support, contact us!
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Zach Kessels
