How do I recognize that I am dealing with a narcissistic person and is a relationship with them even possible in the long term? Liebling & Schatz clarifies.
Content:
- What is narcissism?
- How do I recognize narcissism?
- What is the origin of narcissism?
- What types are there?
- Gender differences in narcissism
- Narcissism in women
- Narcissism in men
- What is the relationship like with a narcissist?
- When two narcissistic people attract each other
- How else can I tell if I’m in a toxic relationship with a narcissist?
- Is a happy partnership possible? A Conclusion
“Such a narcissist!” – a judgment that has been made hastily in society and a term that is used almost inflationarily. “Toxic relationships” are on everyone’s lips and if the partner behaves negatively in any way, this is often dismissed as a “red flag”. But how does it really feel to have a relationship with a person with narcissistic personality traits, can these people love at all and is a partnership with them possible in the long term? With this article, we would like to give an assessment of the complex topic.
What is narcissism?
In order to make the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPS), intensive diagnostics by professionals such as psychotherapists or doctors were still required until 2022. In the meantime, narcissism has even been completely removed from the new ICD-11 catalogue (this international standard work is used to diagnose diseases). However, this does not mean that there are no narcissistic personality traits – which leads to the following question:
How do I recognize narcissism?
First of all, not everyone who acts self-confidently and selfishly is a narcissist. To some extent, narcissism is just a term for a healthy pursuit of self-worth. However, if this striving leads to suffering in the person concerned and those around him, it could be that this person has narcissistic personality traits. Here are some examples:
- Need for praise and attention: People with narcissistic personalities are constantly looking for attention and do not tolerate any form of criticism. They always want to be admired and praised.
- Singularity: Sufferers want to highlight how special they are, especially when compared to others.
- Exploit: In order to achieve their own goals, they take advantage of and manipulate other people, they always strive for personal gain. If a person does not serve them in this way, he or she is of no interest to narcissists.
- No empathy: People with narcissistic personalities are hardly able to empathize with others and understand their feelings. An emotional connection to another person is hardly possible because they constantly feel the need for self-protection.
- Jealousy and envy: All those who are supposedly “better”, more successful, more beautiful are perceived as a threat.
- Arrogance: Narcissists see others as ridiculous or despicable because they always want to be the best and most competent.
- Perfectionism: In order not to make themselves vulnerable, narcissists attach great importance to a flawless appearance and perfection in every respect. They often fantasize about unlimited power, intelligence, and beauty. However, they do not take responsibility if something does not go according to their ideas – precisely in order to maintain the perfect façade.
Overconfidence and superiority: Those affected believe that they earn more than others. Exaggeration and an exaggerated feeling of self-importance are the order of the day among narcissists.
What is the origin of narcissism?
Narcissistic behavior usually has its origins in childhood and upbringing. However, this is individual from case to case. Often, the need for affection and attention was not unconditionally fulfilled in narcissistic people. They were only shown love when they were special or performed in a certain way. Narcissists often come from families in which there was hardly any physical affection, emotional warmth and closeness. On the other hand, those affected were often very spoiled on a material level, were given few boundaries and did not learn to pay attention to the needs of others. Showing weakness or emotions? This was not only frowned upon in childhood, but was sometimes punished. Often, people with a narcissistic personality themselves had a narcissistic mother or father.
What types of narcissism are there?
A narcissistic personality can manifest itself in different ways for those affected. In psychology, therefore, a distinction is made between three types of narcissism.
Grandiose malignant narcissism
This type has only one goal: his own benefit. In order to achieve his goals, he manipulates, is eccentric and, in extreme cases, aggressive. Grandiosely malignant narcissists and narcissists show little to no empathy. On the contrary, in some cases, they may even take pleasure in harming or humiliating others.
Vulnerable-fragile narcissism
Sufferers with this subtype are more likely to appear depressed and anxious and are therefore not so easy to recognize. Criticism and failures offend them to the extreme. However, their reaction to this is more directed against themselves. People with the so-called covert narcissism often suffer greatly themselves and seek therapeutic help more often compared to the other two types.
Exhibitionist narcissism
Exhibitionist narcissists are usually easier to spot than the other two types of narcissism, because they like to put themselves in the limelight. They are often very productive, thus achieving their ambitious goals and being successful in their careers – but they are also constantly looking for praise and confirmation. Manipulative behavior or taking advantage of others is inevitable.
Gender differences in narcissism
Narcissism is often talked about as a personality trait in general, without paying attention to the gender differences. This, however, does not take into account the special view of the affected women. “Both forms, the male and the female, are basically two sides of the coin and result from the same basic disorder of an injured and unstable self-experience, but show themselves in different ways,” as the German psychotherapist Dr. Bärbel Wardetzki summarizes it in her comparison of male and female narcissism .
Narcissism in women
Similar to male narcissism, women usually appear strong and superior to the outside world. Narcissists attach great importance to a perfect appearance, are very powerful and have high standards for themselves, because they live from the recognition and admiration of other people. But behind this façade lies a lot of suffering, low self-esteem and fear of not being enough. Depression and anxiety disorders, but also eating disorders and addiction problems are often associated with female narcissism. In couple relationships, narcissists are more likely to adapt to the point of self-abandonment (complementary narcissism) in order to be recognized by their counterpart.
Narcissism in men
A central characteristic of male narcissistic people is self-centeredness. You always have to be the best in order to feel valuable, while maintaining control over everything and everyone. They are friendly and interested, but only as long as the person or situation has a benefit for them – this also applies to their partnership, which they dominate in most cases. Often their purpose in life is limited to work, status and earning money – a pathetic attempt to preserve self-esteem.
What is the relationship like with a narcissist?
- Idealization
Sociable, funny, and charming: At first glance, narcissists seem very attractive to potential partners. It is not uncommon for clients to report that the first dating phase with a narcissistic person is said to have been intoxicated. The so-called “love bombing” (literally showering with compliments, gifts, promises and attention), for example, is a manipulative relationship tactic of narcissistic people to make a person dependent on them as quickly as possible. - Devaluation
However, once you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the situation can quickly turn into the opposite. If the needs and desires of the narcissistic person are not met, he or she quickly feels rejected and offended. They have never really learned to regulate their emotions, resulting in anger, rage and punishment of their partner. The latter usually happens on a psychological or emotional level, also passive-aggressive behavior -> link to the corresponding blog post is not uncommon among narcissistic people.
Cheating is an issue for many narcissists when they feel they are not getting enough recognition and attention within the partnership. And you guessed it: Of course, they are sophisticated enough – at least for a while – to cleverly conceal these affairs.
- Solve
The subordinate part either detaches itself from the relationship because the suffering becomes too great or is left because it no longer gives the narcissist the attention and admiration that he or she so desperately needs.
Retrieve
It is possible that the narcissistic person wants to win back his ex-partner because he misses the permanent attention, admiration and affection he once received and needs like the air to breathe – if the other person agrees, the toxic cycle starts all over again.
When two narcissistic people attract each other
If male-narcissistic and female-narcissistic partners find each other, they even complement each other at first and initially lead an apparently harmonious relationship in which everyone finds validation. However, if the initial ecstasy described above subsides and everyday life returns, the male narcissistic part is exposed as egocentric, dominant and emotionally abusive, while the narcissist tends to give her partner the feeling that he is not important to her. One of the two (complementary narcissist) will try to adapt in the best possible way in order to receive the love he or she wanted and to avoid emotional outbursts from the other person. An absolutely toxic relationship that either breaks up at some point or drags on for years.
How else can I tell if I'm in a toxic relationship with a narcissist?
In a relationship with a narcissist, the subordinate always puts their desires, needs, and personal boundaries behind those of the narcissist. Consequences of daily manipulations and constant negativity in the relationship can be, for example, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. But there are other symptoms that should make you sit up and take notice:
- Isolation
Narcissists love the undivided attention of their partner. For this reason, at some point they start to subtly criticize their family and friends until they themselves no longer feel like spending time with the people around them. - Concealment of the real self
Through constant devaluation and control, you are afraid to show your authentic self. At some point, you stop being yourself because harmony and peace seem more important to you than standing up for your needs. - Post-traumatic stress disorder
The nervous system knows many ways to protect people from traumatic experiences. Emotional abuse is initially not perceived by the victims themselves, they freeze, act irrationally and are more likely to feel the physical effects. From the third month onwards with the following symptoms, it is referred to as post-traumatic stress disorder: - Overstimulation: Lack of sleep or strong need for sleep, high sensitivity, palpitations, loss of appetite, irritability, difficulty concentrating, jumpiness, tension, pain without an organic cause
- Reliving a trauma: Flashbacks and intense dreaming
- Avoidance of processing: Emotional numbness, blaming oneself, indifference, alcohol or drug addiction
Is a happy partnership possible? A Conclusion
One thing is clear: the relationship with a narcissist is challenging and may never be easy. Those who are self-confident, know and maintain their own limits, have an advantage. However, whether one can expect and receive genuine and deep love from a narcissistic person is questionable.
In order for such a relationship to succeed or be saved, it is important that both partners, including the narcissist, are willing to compromise . Professional help, such as psychotherapeutic treatment and couples therapy, can help narcissistic people pay more attention to their partners’ needs and feelings.
We at Liebling + Schatz are happy to accompany you on this path. Based on our years of practical experience, we know that it is indeed possible to cure an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
