It is completely normal that after a while everything in relationships is no longer as rosy as it was at the beginning. But what if we only live next to each other, have grown apart? Liebling & Schatz knows what to do.
Content:
- Why do couples grow apart
- Possible signs of living apart
- Living apart: what to do?
- Separate or stay?
In the beginning, newlyweds are happy about every free minute they can spend together. Every message, no matter how short, from your partner puts a smile on your face. It is quite normal that this first phase of falling in love passes. Whether after a year of partnership or after 20 years of marriage: As soon as disinterest in the other person creeps in, there is even a lack of tension and passion and you only “function” in everyday life, many couples (or at least one person in the partnership) ask themselves whether they have grown apart. When the partners then sit in front of us in practice, the next question usually arises: “Will this be something again or should we better separate?”
How do we know if this is just a phase? And what can we do about it if we grow apart?
Why do couples grow apart?
Whether it’s about tenderness, sex, communication or time together – in the beginning, the relationship is more or less a no-brainer. However, the hormone cocktail with which we are flooded in the first phase of a partnership diminishes over time, and everyday life with its many challenges increasingly demands our attention again. And for your peace of mind: That’s a good thing. Otherwise, we would hardly be able to devote ourselves to other important things in life in the long term.
Especially people with an insecure attachment style can be frightened when the partnership changes. This does not necessarily have to indicate a separation. You are probably no longer in the euphoric early stages of the relationship. Instead, you begin to build love and bonding.
However, this also means that active commitment from both sides is now needed. The relationship must be nurtured in order to stay alive. If this is not the case, even the most loving connection can falter.
Possible signs of living apart
Even couples with a strong “sense of togetherness” can become estranged by various circumstances. This change usually happens gradually – which is why it is not even noticeable at first that you are in the process of growing apart as a couple. However, there are signs of this:
- They sometimes feel lonely in the partnership
- No interest in joint ventures
- Escape to work
- You often have the feeling that your partner no longer sees and perceives you
- You no longer talk about what’s on your mind
- Disputes are either avoided or not carried out constructively
- There is hardly any tenderness left
- Worries, problems, stress and everyday life leave hardly any room for moments in which you feel intimacy.
- You doubt whether there are any realfeelings between you at all and fear that you are only together out of habit.
- Increasing anger at the partner or disappointment
- You believe that you could experience more love and contentment with another human being
- It comes to an infidelity
Grown apart: What to do?
If you have already nodded inwardly several times at the signs mentioned, we would first recommend these three SOS tips:
- Be careful about the prioritiesthat will be set in the future
- Consider what can be put on the back burner
- Consciously say “no” when hobbies, friends or job no longer leave time for the relationship
Relationship needs care, it is not a sure-fire success
In addition, it is not important to do as much as possible together, but rather to become more benevolent with your counterpart, to show appreciation and caring in order to find each other again.
Separate or stay?
Sometimes the situation is a bit more acute. Instead of asking oneself in general: “Separate or stay?”, it makes sense to first get to the bottom of the cause of the separation:
- What do you really miss in the partnership?
- Have you talked openly and honestly with your partner about it?
- Have you tried to change that together or are you sitting out the problem quietly?
The more precisely you recognize what you are really missing, the more precisely and quickly you can change it.
Based on our many years of practical experience, we at Liebling + Schatz can say: People who did not really try everything in their power to save the relationship before a separation often have to struggle with doubts and self-reproaches afterwards.
In any case, it is worthwhile to make a serious attempt to put the relationship back on a stable foundation before deciding on a final end to the common path.
The most important prerequisite is that both partners are still interested in continuing the relationship. It’s up to you to make a difference. If you would like our support, please feel free to contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then take a look here .
Photo Credit: Alexas Photos/Unsplash
