The American psychologist and couples counsellor John Gottman has systematically measured the communication and quarrels of couples. With astonishing results.
In his book “The Measurement of Love”, Gottman tells us that he has already watched 3000 couples talk and argue in his “Love Lab” in order to measure their bodily functions at the same time: pulse, heartbeat, stress hormone. And in doing so, he confirmed what he already knew: that arguing is highly harmful to a relationship.
When it comes to the nature of arguing, Gottman has filtered out four points that can dramatically poison a couple’s relationship – and called them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in reference to the Bible, the Apocalypse of John. When it comes to the nature of arguing, Gottman has filtered out four points that can dramatically poison a couple’s relationship – and called them “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in reference to the Bible, the Apocalypse of John.
They are:
- Criticism
- Justification
- Devaluation/Contempt
- Walls/Retreat
What does it mean to criticize your partner?
It’s not about the criticism per se. It’s perfectly fine to make a neutral note. The problem is that criticism usually provokes a justification and thus sets a communication spiral in motion. The dose is also important: The research of psychology professor Gottman shows that one time criticizing weighs as much as five times praise. So if you criticize your partner, you would have to have 5 things up your sleeve to compensate for this accusation. So that the criticized person feels at eye level again.
When criticism becomes
a relationship stingHaving to be criticized is something that no one particularly likes anyway. But if the criticism is inappropriate or generalized, then it really gets under your skin. “You never do…”, “You always do…” “Every time you …”, each of us knows these phrases. They are more than criticism, because they are also aimed at the personality of the other person. They are a direct attack that we often only reflexively repel them. We therapists also call this kind of criticism: setting a relationship sting.
So what does the partner do when he hears criticism and reproach? He will fend off the criticism and justify himself. Probably even go on the counterattack. “But that’s not true at all!” Or: “I’ll never get around to it because… you…” or: “I wanted to, but I had to…” This, in turn, will annoy the criticizer because he does not feel taken seriously. Because there is something that annoys him about the other person or the actions of the other. So this in turn ignites the next level of escalation:
He devalues his partner, shows his disdain: “It’s typical that you never finish!” Or “Now stop your excuses, it’s always the same! They just can’t get it baked.” Even rolling eyes, making a derogatory hand gesture or laughing sarcastically expresses to the scolded: “I despise you or your actions, I have no time for it”. The mood between the couple is more than frosty. It is Antarctica.
Photo: Unsplash/Jeremy Cai
