As joyful as the news of pregnancy is, it is terrible when the dream is shattered. A miscarriage is a stress test for both partners. What carries couples through this time and what gives them support when the topic puts a heavy burden on the relationship? Darling + Sweetheart knows advice.
Content:
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- How Fathers and Mothers Experience Emotional Loss
- Relationship crisis due to different reactions of the partners
- Result
Introduction:
A miscarriage or stillbirth is difficult for a couple to grasp. Both partners experience such a loss differently, and yet coping with it together is so important. If a couple finds themselves in such a situation, feelings such as fear, anger, and deep sadness can also cause additional doubts and, over time, become a major strain on the relationship, which can lead to separation or weigh heavily even years later. What many people don’t know: Losing a pregnancy before 20 weeks is very common (at least ten percent of conscious pregnancies end during the first trimester) and at the same time is a persistent taboo that is still not talked about enough. This leads many couples to blame themselves or think they have to deal with their grief on their own.
A miscarriage can grow a relationship or promote fundamental disagreements in the partnership or marriage. This was discovered by American genealogists from the University of Washington, who followed more than 180 women for a year after a miscarriage. The results of the study were published in the journal “Psychosomatic Medicine”.
Fathers and mothers often feel the emotional loss differently
Although it is not possible to make generalizations about gender and mental health, in practice it is always noticeable that men express their emotional reactions after a miscarriage differently than women.
How do women feel after a miscarriage?
According to the study, two out of three women who took part in the aforementioned study said that the relationship with their husband did not change or even deepen as a result of the miscarriage. However, one in three women reported feeling a greater distance and less desire for tenderness. They often describe the miscarriage as a stroke of fate in which they would have lost a child.
Many of these women are also afraid of getting pregnant again. They could hardly share the pain and felt more tension and less love in their relationship after the miscarriage. However, if the partners were able to show their sympathy, the women felt more personally and sexually attracted to their husbands.
How do men deal with a miscarriage?
Many men feel that they have to put their pain aside in order to be strong for their partner, to offer them a shoulder to lean on, and are thus doubly burdened – with their own grief and that of their partner. Even if the attachment to the unborn child is different from that of the woman who has carried it within her from the beginning, the man may also have begun to adjust to the changes in life and the growth of the family. He may have already heard the first heartbeat during the ultrasound examination or already selected the first furniture for the children’s room.
Even less than with women, there is talk about how men feel about the traumatic experience.
Men often think that they have to deal with everything on their own – but in this case, the grief often smolders eternally within them. Depression often goes undiagnosed in men because men show different signs and have different coping mechanisms than women. In addition, men are less likely to seek help when mental health problems arise than women. Exceptions, of course, prove the rule.
It is precisely the different reactions of the two parents that can lead to a relationship crisis.
If one of the two partners suppresses their feelings, looks for solutions as quickly as possible or is probably ready to plan children again while the other is still in deep mourning, this can put additional strain on the relationship. In most cases, the main reason for a marital crisis after miscarriage is the different behavior or lack of understanding of the partner’s grieving behavior and the lack of communication.
The challenge is also to understand that miscarriage affects both, but it has also happened to the woman on a physical level.
The experience of actually having been pregnant – especially at an early stage of pregnancy – can be so different that it is very unrealistic to expect the same reaction from both partners. So far, there are no studies or research on how common certain reactions are, to what extent this only applies to heterosexual couples, or whether, for example, a lesbian couple would show similarly different reactions.
The following applies to both partners:
If you feel the need to talk about your lost child, you should not suppress it, like any other feelings. Respect your own grief, it is worth listening to and try to process the bad experience together.
In summary, it is important to:
- Take enough time to process
- Expressing feelings and emotional hurt
- Open and honest communication, if necessary, getting moderation and support from couples counseling
- If siblings are present, they should also be involved in the event – in a very age-appropriate way
- Not to bury yourself completely in grief and to consciously spend time together during activities or small rituals.
Result:
A miscarriage or stillbirth is a bad event that can become a great burden for you as an individual and for the relationship. The resulting reactions and emotions of both partners can jeopardize the relationship, but they don’t have to be a reason for it to break up. What can then give a little courage is to know: You don’t have to walk the path of the healing process alone, but can get professional advice. Society can also get used to the fact that men also talk about the experience and that space is created for them to mourn the loss.
We at Liebling + Schatz are happy to accompany you in emotionally processing a miscarriage and its consequences for your relationship or yourself. Thanks to our many years of practical experience, we know that it is even possible to emerge stronger from the crisis. Many couples get to know and love each other on a new level. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Claire Kelly
