Don’t worry. We’re not smart know-it-alls, psychologists, or any of those breakup experts. But simply married to each other since 1995, including two children. And here in this blog we would like to tell you about our experience and pass on a few tips and ideas on how sex does not sink into normal family madness. It may be that we become too specific for some readers, perhaps too explicit or too intimate. But sex and eroticism are too beautiful and too important for our relationships to remain vague.
To avoid misunderstandings: We love our children more than anything, but we have them because we love each other. And we are firmly convinced that it is worth fighting for a relationship and for being parents together, but also for leaving room for adventures and surprises, because we already have so much to control in everyday family life.
We’ve already written a book about it. A guidebook. “Highest mating season – erotic for parents in the chaos of everyday life” is called. With stories such as “Lunch Meeting” or “Trapped in the Love Swing”, all of which are based on experiences; our own or those of friends. This is one of the reasons why we call ourselves and the protagonists in the book Liebling & Schatz. We chose these names because they are two of the most popular pet names in Germany. And we want to say: Our experiences and those of our friends stand for those of many parents. Because we know how difficult it is to secure space as a couple.
It’s worth taking advantage of every opportunity to be a couple. It’s even worth arranging to have sex and be punctual at the same time. Because we also make time for everything else: for work, for driving the children from A to B, for television, friends, sports or cinema.
Each of us has at least five different roles in couple-parent-professional life, which vary daily, no, even hourly. This is stressful and the new fun of sex has been something we have both worked for over several years. Because unfortunately it falls far too rarely from the sky, this fun. Because it is created by doing, by doing, by trying, failing, repeating.
For us, however, working on this also means talking to each other. At some point, we don’t even know when exactly, we started to talk more about our sex life, about our wishes and fears, dreams and longings – without dividing into right and wrong ideas. Just listening to each other’s ideas and fantasies without putting them down with a big tirade of objections. Some of these ideas and thoughts took time to mature into ideas. They also needed time to lose their “horror” and to become exciting and interesting in the first place. Actually, we just experimented, but that alone made us more alert, mindful and curious.
We rediscovered gestures and touches, which we were able to reciprocate lovingly in between, without letting it run into the void as a “stupid pick-up”. And we found out that in such moments it is not about the request to perform the sexual act – in other words: only about fucking – but about expressions of desire. And that it’s damn nice to feel wanted.
But the chaos and the gasping breath remained. We, and some of our friends, have simply learned to fight back. priorities. Instead of parental leave, demand couple leave. And also to clearly articulate to our children that we need regular evenings FOR US. That we can only be good parents if we are also a happy couple. That there are limits and taboos for them towards us, just as they demand it for themselves. That gives an astonishing amount of leeway. To love, to sex.
Photo: Froodmat/photocase.de
