Mental load in the home office affects women and mothers in particular: Invisible responsibility leads to exhaustion, overwhelm and conflicts in relationships. Liebling + Schatz shows why this is the case – and what really helps couples.
Content:
- The invisible burden in everyday life
- Why working from home increases the burden
- The result: exhaustion and conflicts
- Why Mental Load Strains Relationships
- What really helps couples in the home office
- Conclusion: Take the invisible burden seriously
Working from home should relieve the burden. No commuting, more time for the family, more flexibility. But for many couples, the opposite is true: Instead of rest and relief, stress, arguments and deep exhaustion often arise, which is often hardly noticed. Women and mothers in particular reach their limits because they bear most of the invisible responsibility – the so-called mental load.
The invisible burden in everyday life
First, let’s clarify one thing: What exactly does mental load actually mean?
Mental load means constantly thinking about everything that concerns everyday life. This includes:
- Coordinate appointments
- Plan shopping
- Organize children and their activities
- keep an eye on the budget
These tasks run permanently in the head and are rarely performed. They exhaust the one who wears them, although they remain invisible from the outside.
Inmany partnerships, this responsibility lies primarily with women. It is not only “doing” that counts, but above all thinking, planning and remembering.
Mental load therefore means that women not only act, but keep the entire organization in mind.
Why working from home increases the burden
What initially sounds like relief quickly becomes a double burden for many women.
- Work and organize at the same time
In the home office, the boundaries between work and private life become blurred. While professional meetings take place on the laptop, the head thinks at the same time about the laundry, lunch or the doctor’s appointment of the children. Physically you are present, but mentally everywhere – this leads to constant overload. - Constant availability
Parcel acceptance, spontaneous requests from the children, small organizational things in the household – those who work at home are automatically made responsible for additional tasks.
These seemingly small tasks add up over weeks and weigh almost exclusively on one person.
3. Unequal perception of work
A common sentence in couples counseling is: “Just tell me what you want me to do.” Although well-intentioned, this sentence shows that the responsibility for thinking remains with the partner. Mental load is therefore not shared, but rather delegated, which increases the load.
Gender Care Gap: Mental Load Is Demonstrably Unevenly Distributed
Scientific studies also show that this burden is unevenly distributed. A study by the Hans Böckler Foundation with over 2,000 respondents shows that women take on the majority of the organization of household and family – even if both partners work a similar amount.
One central point becomes particularly clear: men and women often perceive the distribution of tasks differently. While many men perceive them as fair, women experience them as unbalanced much more often.
This different perception leads to a growing burden on the one hand, while it is hardly seen on the other. This is exactly where frustration, misunderstandings and conflicts arise.
Mental load is therefore not an individual problem, but a structural imbalance that affects many relationships.
The result: exhaustion and conflicts
The permanent mental stress affects the body, psyche and relationship. Many women report on:
- chronic fatigue
- Irritability
- the feeling of having to carry everything alone
At the same time, men often feel misunderstood, even though they feel they are helping. This creates a cycle of overload, incomprehension and conflict, which insidiously puts a strain on the relationship.
Why Mental Load Strains Relationships
Mental load is not just an organizational problem, but an emotional issue. Behind this are:
- lack of relief
- lack of recognition
- lack of eye level
If a person keeps everything in mind permanently, an imbalance is created that does not show up immediately, but gradually manifests itself in more arguments about trivialities, less closeness and increasing emotional distance .
The often heard sentence “I don’t think about it” is honest, but it also means that responsibility is deliberately not taken. Mental load does not depend on talent or personality, but on responsibility. Those who are responsible automatically think of it – those who are not remain uninvolved.
Tips: What really helps couples in the home office
The solution is not simply to divide up tasks, but to rethink responsibility.
- Instead of saying “Tell me what to do”, clear responsibilities should be agreed.
- One person can take over the complete organization of the children’s appointments, while the other manages the household completely.
- It is not only the execution of the tasks that is decisive, but also the thinking along with you.
Making mental load visible
A helpful method is to write down everything that is done “in your head” every day. This creates understanding on both sides and shows that responsibility lies not only in doing, but also in thinking.
Communicate expectations clearly
Needs often remain unspoken: “I would like relief” or “I don’t want to keep an eye on everything alone.” Clear statements prevent misunderstandings and provide orientation.
Conclusion: Take the invisible burden seriously
Working from home is not the problem, but makes visible what was already there before: unevenly distributed responsibility. For many women, this means constant tension, mental overload and the feeling of never really being finished. For the relationship, it means a creeping burden that should be taken seriously.
Who is responsible for “thinking about it” in your company? If the answer is unbalanced, this is exactly where the key to change lies. If you notice that you find yourself in these patterns and would like relief, we will be happy to accompany you in finding new solutions together. Contact Feel free to contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here .
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