Sacrificing oneself to the point of exhaustion for one’s partner and feeling responsible for him or her – this behavior pattern has a name: Wendy syndrome.
But how do you recognize it and what can you do about it? Liebling & Schatz clarifies and shows ways out of the aid trap.
Content:
- What is Wendy syndrome
- Why can the behavior pattern be problematic?
- Signs of Wendy syndrome
- Causes of Wendy syndrome
- What those affected can do
- Result
Anja and Elias come home from work in the evening completely exhausted – both had a very stressful day.
Nevertheless, Anja is the one who cooks dinner, cleans up and finally irons her husband’s shirts while he relaxes on the sofa.
It’s always like that with the two of them.
The young woman doesn’t really question the processes, but notices that she has been quite exhausted mentally and physically for a while…
Here we are dealing with a classic case of the so-called “Wendy syndrome” – a pattern of behavior that women in particular fall for in relationships and almost take on the role of mother for their partner.
In this article, we would like to take a closer look at why this relationship dynamic is so unhealthy and what you can do about it both as a victim and as a couple.
What is Wendy syndrome?
Wendy syndrome affects people, mostly women, who care excessively for others while constantly putting their own needs on the back burner.
This can cause the person himself to be unhappy and under severe stress.
By the way, the term “Wendy syndrome” goes back to the character Wendy from the film Peter Pan.
She is known for her caring and sensitive nature.
She travels to Neverland with Peter Pan* and very quickly takes on the role of mother for the group.
*It is not for nothing that adult men who have remained emotionally children are also referred to as Peter Pan syndrome: because Peter Pan refuses to grow up himself and take responsibility for his actions.
In fact, Peter Pan and Wendy’s relationship is a daily reality in many relationships.
The woman supports the man in every situation in life and thinks for him.
She sacrifices herself for him, takes on a lot of responsibility and – of course – also the household, so that he doesn’t have to worry about anything.
Why can Wendy syndrome be problematic?
Women who suffer from Wendy syndrome neglect their own boundaries and needs, and may even give up their financial resources for the sake of their partner.
In most cases, those affected are not even aware of this, because they do so out of full conviction, love and a strong need for harmony.
The dangerous thing about this unhealthy relationship dynamic:
- It reinforces mutual dependence and weakens the self-esteem of both.
- However, there is no healthy balance between the two adult partners, which can eventually lead to dissatisfaction or conflicts in the relationship.
- For women, the sacrifice, which often lasts for years, often results in absolute exhaustion, burnout or depression.
- In the event of a separation, those affected usually painfully realize that they have neglected themselves for years.
5 signs of Wendy syndrome
There are some symptoms that suggest you may be affected by Wendy syndrome – test yourself:
- They feel responsible for the feelings of others: When others are not doing well, you feel it immediately.
Often you transfer this to yourself and wonder if you have done something wrong.
In any case, you want to do everything you can to make your counterpart happy again.
- It is difficult for you to distinguish yourself: Saying no is not one of your strengths, because you always want to please everyone and not disappoint anyone.
- Not being able to let go: They like to have everything under control and are reluctant to rely on others.
- Think for others: You not only have your own schedule in mind, but also that of your sweetheart.
Typical belief: “If I don’t do it, no one will!”
- Not being able to be alone: They feel more comfortable in company.
When you’re alone, you don’t really know what to do with yourself.
Causes of Wendy syndrome
How does it come about that a woman gets caught up in the role of mother in her partnership?
This always depends on the individual life history of those affected – but they often have the following points in common:
- Fear of rejection: Women with Wendy syndrome are afraid of not being loved or rejected.
The causes of this usually lie in childhood.
Early on, they had to take on a lot of responsibility because, for example, mother or father were (emotionally) unavailable or ill. Childhood experiences, in which one has learned to gain love and recognition through caring and meeting the needs of others, play a crucial role. - Low self-esteem: To counter the fear of rejection, women with Wendy syndrome give their partner a particularly comfortable life and relieve them of all tasks.
Often they have already learned in childhood that love is linked to conditions (“I have to do something to be loved and to be worth something”) - Addiction to harmony: Always ensuring harmony, balancing negative moods and not standing up for yourself just to avoid conflicts – also typical signs of Wendy syndrome.
- Care work is a women’s business: The fact that women are affected by Wendy syndrome much more often than men is partly due to the social image.
Unfortunately, it is still a matter of course for women to take care of the household, children or elderly parents – often in addition to employment. - Peter Pan himself: Women who have lived the pattern of behavior since childhood often also attract emotionally immature men.
They are looking for a partner who will enable them to live a carefree life, free of responsibility.
However, it is also possible that those affected “breed” a Peter Pan through their behavior, which leads an extremely comfortable life thanks to you.
→ The imprints from childhood, coupled with social expectations and a lack of self-esteem, form a complex network that can lead to Wendy syndrome.
Dealing with Wendy syndrome: What you can do
Pulling the emergency brake
Once you’ve realized that you’re in danger of burning out, you desperately need a break from trying to please everyone all the time.
Share with your partner and make it clear to him or her that you can no longer take sole responsibility for both lives.
Questioning the relationship
If you are with someone who is only too happy to let you take on the entire “mental load” and does not show understanding, it will be difficult for the relationship and thus your well-being to improve in the long run.
Learning to set boundaries
Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty and communicate your boundaries clearly.
This is purely a matter of practice: the more often you do it, the easier it will be for you!
Strengthening self-confidence
Admittedly, the above point requires steadfastness, self-confidence and a strong sense of self-worth – and these things need to be strengthened in most people with Wendy syndrome first.
Become aware of your own abilities and talents again and create a sense of achievement for yourself.
Providing balance
Put yourself first!
Find out for yourself again what gives you pleasure: This can be a new hobby, fulfillment at work or a lot of self-care.
By ensuring that each partner takes care of their well-being, the relationship remains balanced.
Equal division of tasks
An agreement on the fair distribution of responsibilities in the household and everyday life helps to lead a partnership on an equal footing.
Regular couple discussions
Set up fixed times for conversations in a distraction-free environment – perhaps also in the protected space of couples therapy.
This ensures that both partners can express their needs and wishes equally.
Regular exchange strengthens mutual understanding and connection.
Result
In order to deal with Wendy syndrome, it is crucial to recognize and address the causes.
Although this process can be challenging for those affected, it also offers the chance to break a pattern that can make them dissatisfied and ill in the long run – and ultimately cost the relationship.
Based on our practical experience, we at Liebling + Schatz can say that in most cases it is worthwhile to go this way – both as a couple or as an individual.
It is a path that aims to strengthen one’s own self-perception and to find a balanced relationship between give and take in relationships. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
Photo credit: Priscilla du Preez / Unsplash
