One person wants to talk, the other is silent – if the partner reacts to conflicts with passive-aggressive behavior, this can put a lot of strain on the relationship in the long run. But how exactly do you recognize this behavior pattern and how do you deal with it in the partnership? Liebling + Schatz knows what to do.
Content:
- What is passive-aggressive behavior?
- Examples of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
- What are the causes?
- How do I respond to passive-aggressive behavior?
“If only she could just talk straight and say what really bothers her!” – Thomas is upset when he contacts us for his first consultation with his wife Katja. The two would hardly ever argue. Rather, there is often a great silence at home, because a constructive, honest discussion is not possible with Katja. With a “No, it’s nothing,” she immediately blocks any of Thomas’ attempts to clarify the situation. His wife’s avoidant attitude unsettles him and creates more and more distance between the two.
If such scenes sound familiar to you, you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive person. In this article, we would like to take a closer look at the causes of passive-aggressive behavior and, above all, how you can deal with it as a partner.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
People with passive-aggressive behavior express their anger and dissatisfaction not directly, but indirectly, e.g. through subliminal remarks, taunts or contradictory messages. The head-on conflict is always avoided, consciously or unconsciously. This type of conflict resolution occurs in all social relationships.
Important: Not every person who behaves passively-aggressively automatically suffers from a personality disorder.
At one time, it was actually listed in an extreme form as a mental illness in the two classification systems DSM and ICD, which doctors can use to make diagnoses. In the latest versions of the two works, the diagnosis no longer exists. Some experts still see passive-aggressive behavior as part of personality disorders, but no longer as a condition in its own right. Others, on the other hand, interpret such behavior as a character trait or self-protection.
Examples of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
In everyday life, passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself in very different forms and is often difficult to recognize due to the hidden, contradictory messages. However, there are some signs that indicate passive-aggressive communication:
- Be silent: The so-called “silent treatment” or sulking is often used by passive-aggressive people as a punishment or to unsettle the other.
- Ignorance: The passive-aggressive part simply walks away during a conversation, doesn’t listen, or doesn’t respond to text messages or calls.
- Nasty compliments: “It’s great how you accentuate your figure with the dress – you have to dare to do that first” – nicely packaged insults like these can hit where it hurts the most.
- Pseudo-humor and sarcasm: If hurtful statements are garnished with a “it was just fun”, you should pay attention.
- Arriving late: Not every lateness can be seen as passive-aggressive, but this “tool” is often used to punish, annoy or defie.
- Intentionally pretending to be stupid: “Oh, did we agree on that?” – a typical statement when agreements or appointments are not kept.
- Twisting the facts: An attempt is made to dismiss all blame, so that the other person has the feeling of having done something wrong.
- To embarrass someone: The partner is put in an embarrassing situation in front of a third person.
- Offering bogus solutions: Solutions or decisions are even interpreted as a benefit for the partner, but actually only serve the passive-aggressive part itself.
The following sentences sound inconsequential at first, but also indicate passive-aggressive behavior:
- “No, it’s nothing. What’s going on?” Passive-aggressive people prefer to carry their anger around with them rather than reveal themselves honestly, and subtly take out their anger on those around them.
- “I don’t care, I don’t care.” Passive-aggressive partners end an argument and act as if the issue has been resolved – this is how they avoid taking an open stand in conflict discussions.
- “I thought it was self-evident!” Through such comments, passive-aggressive people criticize others from above, without having to openly communicate what they would have expected.
What all of the manipulations listed have in common is that they are not noticeable at the decisive moment, because passive-aggressive people often remain friendly during or despite their actions, so that outsiders cannot understand the plight of the other.
Passive-aggressive people understand: what are the causes?
As is often the case, no clear cause for passive-aggressive behavior can be identified. Social experiences – often in childhood – most likely play their part. For example, it could be that a passive-aggressive person grew up in an environment in which the caregivers vented their anger very loudly and explosively – so that the fear of strong emotions and reactions is simply too great today and direct conflict is avoided.
It is also possible that their own parents have already communicated passively-aggressively and that such children have never learned how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, i.e. have adopted the avoidance strategy. Ultimately, many also lack the necessary self-confidence to stand up for their own position.
According to a study by psychologist Özlem Ayduk of the University of California, character and relationship behavior are also related. There are indications that people who are particularly in need of harmony react very sensitively to rejection – with passive-aggressive strategies such as silence or withdrawal of love.
So, in summary, you could say that people behave this way because…
… they want to protect themselves and their borders.
… they want to preserve their autonomy.
… they feel recognized and respected.
- A fallacy: It is obvious that passive-aggressive people harm and sabotage themselves in the long term. They tend to have less nurturing social relationships and fall short of their potential in every way.
How do I respond to passive-aggressive behavior?
If a person repeatedly slips into the passive-aggressive form of behavior because he cannot talk about his needs, we advise his counterpart:
- Don’t let yourself be provoked and don’t react with anger
- Staying factual, even if it’s hard
- Postpone discussions if they cannot be conducted constructively at the moment
- Reflecting on oneself, but not blaming oneself for mood or such reactions
- Make arrangements: What can we do as a couple when we realize that emotions are overwhelming one of us?
- Be benevolent and “prove” to the passive-aggressive part that it is safe for him to talk about what is really bothering him.
- Communicate clearly that you won’t let yourself be treated like this and then stay consistent.
- Create a protected (if necessary moderated) space for discussion for conflicts , for example in couples therapy.
Some people may notice passive-aggressive behaviors themselves. In this case, it can help to first perceive and learn to classify one’s own feelings instead of suppressing them. Ask yourself: what do I really need now? What can I do myself in the first step to get out of this situation or mood or how can my partner support me?
We at Liebling + Schatz are happy to accompany you in bringing more relaxation to your everyday relationship. Based on our many years of practical experience, we know that it is even possible to create more closeness again through solution-oriented communication. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
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