Whether intentional or unconscious, injuries are inevitable in relationships. But how do you deal with it without getting into a spiral of blame? Liebling & Schatz clarifies.
Content:
- The Three Phases of Injury in Partnerships
- Responsibility instead of blame
- Blame-shifting: When your partner always blames you
- Result
Things haven’t been going well for Wiebke and Felix for a long time. Their relationship ripples along, the two live next to each other and their sex life is completely devastated. When Felix confesses to his wife that he has an affair with an acquaintance from the tennis club, the marriage is on the verge of ending. He regrets his “slip”, his wife is deeply hurt and cannot stop accusing him and blaming him for the misfortune of both of them. When the couple realizes that a constructive approach to the topic is no longer possible, they seek our advice.
The Three Phases of Injury in Partnerships
Insults and injuries exist in all human relationships. However, they are experienced particularly intensively in couple relationships. It does not always have to be an infidelity as in our practical example. Injuries happen – consciously or unconsciously. And most of the time they are just the
the tip of the iceberg in a partnership that lacks warmth and emotional closeness. Does that excuse anything? Of course not. Can blaming heal an injury and save a relationship? You guessed it – no!
Rather, it takes a “feeling seen” in one’s own injury as well as responsibility and understanding on both sides.
The following 3-phase model is intended to illustrate that insults and crises do not happen overnight, but can creep into a relationship in a process-like manner.
Phase 1: Disappointment
Heart palpitations and the whole world appears pink – at the very beginning of a partnership, you usually overlook the other person’s quirks. When this euphoric infatuation decreases, possible negative sides of the partner only become apparent and unavoidable disappointments occur. Often it is remarks or behaviors that may happen unconsciously, but trigger the partner.
Phase 2: Insult
One thing in advance: It is good to have “standards” and expectations of a relationship. However, it is unrealistic to think that all these expectations can be met at all times. So it is human to a certain extent that this can lead to patterns of insult on both sides. Whether and to what extent one feels hurt by certain behaviors of the partner depends on the extent of the negative behaviors and the personal evaluation of them. Examples of patterns of insult in partnerships can be, for example:
- Silent withdrawal
- Lay bricks
- Making oneself unapproachable
- Affairs, infidelities
- Control behavior
- Insults/devaluation
- Brusqueness
- Withdrawal of love
- Emotional blackmail
- Ignorance
- Sexual reluctance
- Making Feelings of Guilt (Blame-Shifting*)
Phase 3: Decision
At this point, the question arises as to whether and how things will continue. Will the couple remain trapped in the vicious circle of mutual hurt and blame, which would bring further suffering and ultimately separation? -> Even then, healthy processing is important for both sides so that the pattern does not repeat itself in a new relationship and space can be created for a fulfilling partnership.
Or do the partners use the crisis as an opportunity and opportunity to grow both personally and as a couple and to establish a constructive way of dealing with insults and injuries?
Responsibility instead of blame
It is not always possible to heal and forgive an injury within the partnership. However, based on our years of practical experience, we know that all of the above phases have great potential to grow together as partners and even deepen the relationship. For this to succeed, however, we must say goodbye to any blame and the perpetrator-victim dynamic and instead take (self-)responsibility. In concrete terms, this means:
- Recognizing that both sides contribute to a conflict and that the motivations are complex
- Being able to admit mistakes to yourself and the other person
- Allow yourself (couples therapy) help
- To be aware that the injury may feel so intense because it triggers a wound from the past
- To realize that you are harming or limiting yourself the most by blaming and resentment.
- To be open and willing to understand the partner’s point of view
*Blame-shifting: When your partner always blames you
Blame-shifting, too German “blame shifting,” is manipulative behavior in which one person tries to shift responsibility for a problem onto another. From a psychological point of view, there are several reasons for such behavior:
- Blame shifters often lack emotional maturity, and it is not uncommon for them to have narcissistic traits. Admitting one’s own imperfection is out of the question for narcissists.
- The main cause is usually to protect one’s own self-esteem.
- Also, blame-shifters in traumatic relationships in the past may have concluded that it is safer for them to deflect blame from themselves – a kind of survival strategy
- Lack of self-reflection: Some people are simply unable to critically question themselves
Example: You tell your partner that you’re upset about something, but then the other person turns the tables and focuses on one thing you’ve done, and the actual problem fades into the background.
How do I deal with blame shifting?
- Try to steer the conversation back to the actual topic and set boundaries
- Make the person aware of the behavior, perhaps they are not aware of it
If the partner is blocking, you should think about seeking professional help or rethinking the relationship. This is because constant, unjustified blame can damage the self-esteem and psyche of the person affected.
Result
Once the fronts are hardened and you as a couple are caught in a spiral of hurt and blame, it can seem difficult to find your way back to each other. Only when we leave the concept of guilt behind and take responsibility do we have the chance to bring peace and harmony back into the relationship. Professional help, for example couples therapy services, can help to create more understanding for both sides.
Based on our practical experience, we at Liebling + Schatz can say that it is worthwhile to go this way. It is even possible to bring even more quality into the relationship and create an even deeper connection with each other. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
