Despite all the joy about the offspring – the first time with the baby can still put the relationship to the test.
How do you manage to remain a loving couple and take good care of yourself?
This will help you get through the toddler period together.
Content:
- Why do parents experience relationship frustration?
- 10 concrete tips for staying a couple as parents
Having children together means pure happiness for parents.
It is not uncommon for the idea of giving birth to a child to be associated with a permanently happy relationship.
Once the child is there, many parents have to admit to themselves – often shamefully – that we function well as mothers and fathers, but as lovers we become estranged.
Suddenly, the challenges of everyday life take on completely different dimensions, the well-being of the child is above everything and there is little time for tenderness, conversations or dates.
Sooner or later, a way is needed to find a balance so that the relationship between the parents does not fall by the wayside.
We at Liebling & Schatz can tell you as parents of two and couples therapists from experience: It is not easy to reconcile everything without losing sight of each other as a couple – but it can be done!
Why do parents experience relationship frustration?
With the birth of a child, everyday life and the partnership change.
Many parents report that suddenly the lightness is missing and they learn that a love relationship is not a sure-fire success, but means work.
But why is that?
The reasons are of course very individual from couple to couple.
But the fact is: With the birth of the child, the couple relationship becomes a three-way relationship.
Sometimes a parent, e.g. the breastfeeding mother, develops a closer bond with the child.
In the same way, there are phases in which the father has closer access to the baby.
This can lead to the other person feeling left out.
In addition, new tasks now shape everyday life: Who gets up at night?
Who will change the next diaper?
Who will put the baby to bed?
If the distribution of tasks is not clear, conflicts can quickly arise – especially if one person in the relationship feels like they have to do everything on their own.
And sometimes overwhelm and exhaustion are simply the causes of one word giving the other.
The most common reasons for relationship crises after childbirth:
- lack of communication between partners
- the postponement of one’s own needs
- different educational ideas
- lack of freedom
- Special challenges (e.g. dealing with a crying child or illnesses)
"When couples become parents, they suddenly become mainly parents. You forget that you were actually in love, in a relationship and having fun. (…) Remember that you are into each other!"
How do parents find each other again? 10 concrete tips
One thing in advance: There is no patent recipe for a happy couple relationship with a child.
Each parent must find their own way in dealing with the challenges of family life.
The following tips and solutions can strengthen the ability of new parents to work in a team:
- Communication: At the same time, the first tip is often the basic problem in relationships.
It is important to be open and honest with each other, even with your own worries, fears and dissatisfactions.
It doesn’t always have to be about the child – one’s own needs remain a topic that both are allowed to talk about. - Make arrangements: A partnership is only happy in the long run if the tasks in the relationship are distributed fairly.
This also applies to housework.
Divide the responsibility in parenthood fairly and value care work just as much as a full-time job – because that’s what it is in the end. - Benevolent view of the partner: Consider your partner or your partner with love and be aware of this: Everyone gives their best!
It works better when you encourage and support each other.
Negative remarks and behaviors only put additional strain on the atmosphere.
It’s better to focus on the positive and compliment yourself again, e.g.: “Thank you for helping me” or “You look beautiful today”. - Don’t forget self-care: The so-called “me-time” replenishes the energy reserves of each individual – only then can you be present in your various roles.
It is best to mark these breaks in your calendar and ask each other in between: “What do you need right now?” and “What breaks do you need?” - Rediscover intimacy: Yes, children often change sex lives.
Take your time, especially after the birth, until both are ready for it again and make an appointment – preferably by appointment!
This may not sound exciting at first, but it can be a real game changer. - Ask for support: A small but reliable network of helpful people is worth its weight in gold, especially for new parents.
If the grandparents look after the children or the godfather goes for a walk with the baby, the couple can rediscover their romantic relationship side or simply devote themselves to the things that are not so easy to do with a child. - Small caresses in everyday life: Physical affection is vital for us and the same is true for a well-functioning relationship.
And that doesn’t necessarily mean lovemaking.
One intimate kiss or hug a day can provide security and emotional closeness. - Experience beautiful moments together with the baby: Excursions with the offspring can also be an enrichment for the whole family and a harmonious couple relationship if they take into account the needs of parents and children.
- Accepting help: Often it is not because there is no one in the environment who would take the children off their hands – many mothers and fathers find it difficult to really give up the child or accept help.
- Mastering crises together: Leading a partnership requires attention and joint work.
Every relationship goes through phases that range from the initial infatuation to ups and downs to a deep, intimate love.
Therefore, we should not forget: When such relationship issues arise, there is always the chance for growth and even an even deeper connection between two people.
Based on our practical experience, we at Liebling + Schatz can say that it is worthwhile to go this way in most cases. If you would like our support, contact us!
Would you like to learn more about couples therapy with us? Then feel free to take a look here.
Photo credit: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash
